Date:	2007-08-18 10:05
Subject:	On my mind....
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

As I sit here this beautiful summer morning, I find myself incredibly frustrated at my lack of ability to transfer what, in my head, sound like beautiful, meaningful words onto any other type of tangible medium. I've been wanting to post something ever since I got back from Atlanta on Tuesday, and in my head I Have made all sorts of profound statements on life... however what follows is a mere shadow of the  things I truly wish I were able to convey.

Loving people is an extremely difficult thing to do. After my Mom died I tried very hard to cut most everyone I cared about out of my life, and those people with whom I did have "close personal relationships", rarely got past the surface of my true feelings. It was easy, for me, to disregard most people. Especially people who I met after my Mom died.... who were they in comparison to my great mother? No one. They could never possibly have the same affect on my life as she did, so why even bother pretending like I cared? I know that sounds pretty harsh, but it is the truth. Only in the last two years have I allowed my self to love, and be truly loved, by other people. This started with my husband. He is a wonderful, selfless man who, even after I tried my hardest to push him away and even broke his heart, remained. It took me a while to realize that he was not going to inflict the same pain on me as I have received many other times, in many ways, and from many people. I love him truly for the happiness he was able to bring to my pessimistic world.

After Adam, came Carolyn. A lot of people do not understand my relationship with her. They think I view her as a mother figure, a parent, a guardian. This is in no way true. Carolyn is one of the few people I have remained completely honest with through the entirety of our friendship. She and I have mirrored souls, and I can talk to her about anything. There are almost 40 years age difference between the two of us, a fact which some people may find bizarre, but is something I rarely even think of. I appreciate her ability to understand even the most ridiculous things about me (including some of my bizarre behaviors). She is the source of this entry today. She is donating stem cells to her brother who is terminally ill. This is a brave thing for her to do... and a scary thing for me to think about. I don't know that I had realized the extent of my love for Carolyn until the possibility of her having a major transplant surgery performed was presented to me. I was extremely upset at first. I did not think she was healthy enough, and felt her brother was using her. In reality, it comes down to my fear of losing someone who I care about so much. Thinking about Carolyn in terms of  her mortality is heart breaking to me. Our age difference has been brought to my attention more in the last month than it has been in the entirety of our relationship. It was at this point I began to be scared.... my mind racing through sobering scenarios in which I no longer have my best friend. I immediately wanted to return to my ways of self-preservation, only this time I realized I was unable to do it. Unable to let go, because even though people will break your heart in some way: whether it be intentional, unintentional, in life or in death, the love that is received far outweighs the pain you may experience. And if you live your life waiting for the pain, what kind of living are you really doing?

It has taken me many years to get to this point; not as many as some, and many more than others. I am able to see my own growth in my life, something I've never really been able to observe. I hope that I am able to appreciate everyone for the imprints they may leave on my life. I also hope that never again will I shut someone out because I am afraid of the potential to be heart broken. I feel lucky that I have so many people who I can honestly say I really love... and I feel privileged that despite heart break looming around every turn you may take in your life, these people have chosen to love me in return.

Quick update on the (too) many things going on in my life:

Sisters - Ruth - still in sling and cast... but feeling much better!
Jenny - Has a hairline fracture to her mandible... eee. She fell and hit her head on the sidewalk. She's doing okay, tho.

Moving - All moved! Into our new, nice, non-ghetto apartment. I love it. I'm still have a bit of trouble sleeping here... but I'll get used to it. Plus the washer and dryer kick ass.

Carolyn - She is donating bone marrow or plasma or something to her brother who has a blood cancer. I'm going to Atlanta with her tomorrow so she can have a bunch of testing done. I'm a little worried for her, but she's trying to save her brother.

Work - Still super busy. As of yesterday we completed everything needed for our state licensure. Sweet.

Puppy - Saw them last weekend.. SO CUTE. Getting ours Sept 7th.... his name is Simon, and I love him already. I would have pictures but when we went everything was all packed up.

So... there ya go. I've been obscenely busy the last 3 weeks. And my hair is soaked and I haven't gotten dressed and I'm supposed to be leaving in about 20 minutes. Super. Way to budget time.... on livejournal!!

:)

I think I may be handing my soul over to Yuppie-dom.

Not even selling it. Just handing it over.

::sigh::

Yesterday sucked. The whole day. I haven't had a bad day like that in a long time.

Hopefully since yesterday was so bad, Monday will be a breeze and we'll pass our survey!

I forgot to mention we bought a new car!

As Murphy's Law would have it... bought the new car on a Saturday... Monday the alternator died in the Mazda. Rar. Not horrible, but still terribly inconvenient.

Also, Sister still doing well. trying her first day back at work today!

This weekend = Farewell thing for Kris tonight, then packing owns my soul. Lease signing on Saturday!! yay!

Update on sister:

Still okay, but not as okay as was originally thought. She broke her right hand and her left collar bone. Uh. When Mel (Ruth's best friend) called me at work to let me know, I just started crying. It could have been so much worse, and I'm so glad she's okay!! I can't deal with the thought of injured/sick family members.

Interesting weekend.

Brief summary:

*Went to In-Laws
*Bought Harry Potter 7!
*Sister was in car accident
*Went to get sister, she is okay
*Graduation party for Adam
*Hellalotta people
*Politically Incorrect In-Laws
*Desperately trying to finish Harry Potter
*Friend had her cat die :(
*Lots of Laundry
*Finally finish Harry Potter (10pm on Sunday)

So long, not so restful weekend. Harry Potter stressed me out. I liked it a lot, but I know some people will be unhappy with how it ended. I did think the epilouge was slightly cheesy, but I can see why the JK Rowling did it.

<rant>

I hate humidity. Until about 30 seconds ago my hair looked awesome. Then I went to put something out in the car and POOF!!!! It's horrible. RAR.

</rant>

Date:	2007-07-12 06:16
Subject:	It's a baby!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

I'm a mommy!! Yay! Pugs were born this past weekend. A litter of SIX! That's a lot for pugs. I can go see them in about two weeks. The breeder said I could pick a boy or a girl! Adam still really wants a girl, but I would rather wait and meet them first. SO EXCITED. I've been looking up puppy pug pictures online and making myself crazy. As soon as I go see them, pictures shall be posted!!!

So this house on the road where I work used to be a daycare center... and now it is a Pest control office... am I the only one who find this slightly hillarious?

I'm having a Lia Sophia party tonight... and I'm totally unprepared. For those of you who don't know... it's a jewelry party, where people buy stuff, and I get a percentage of what they spend to put towards jewelry for moi. I think only like 4 people are coming... oh well.

Someone at work today asked me if now that Adam has graduated I wanted to go back to college.....

That was a good question. Wish I could answer it...

I should have guessed, I get told ALLLLL the time I look like Allyson Hannigan. In fact at dinner last night (for a friend's sons birthday) someone told me I looked like her, and then someone else said "You're prettier, actually, more exotic looking". I don't think anyone has ever told me I look exotic before. Europeon, yes, I get that all the time from foreign friends, exotic..... never. I guess for some people looking completely generic means exotic... who knew?

So last night I said if I had to cast a movie of my life that I would have Drew Berrymore play Ruth, Mandy Moore play Jenny and Adam Brody play Adam... but I couldn't think of anyone to play me! Any suggestions? (I obviously have way too much time on my hands recently).

Also, changed my hair... AGAIN. Once I decide how much I really like it, I'll post pictures, should anyone care.

There is a baby on the way! A baby PUG that is! Due July 4th.... can come home September! Yay!

I just cried at an Avril Lavigne video (When You're Gone). I think I've passed "emotional" and moved onto "pathetic".

Surprisingly, after one year the wedding cake was still awesome! :)

Date:	2007-05-07 19:27
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Amy Winehouse

"How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life."

This is a quote from the movie Shopgirl, which I have just recently seen. I think the movie was very well done, and can't wait to read the novella that it was based off of. It was very real, without being overly dramatic, yet it still was a very fulfilling movie. I like this particular quote, becuase I think this happens a lot in life, and at some point it's hard to be on either end of a relationship like that.

As for everything else... nothing too new to report. Working and such still the same. Adam graduates in 2 weeks, and I can't believe it! He's going up for his 3rd and final interview (for the same job, it's seriously a process) in Linthincum (he would actually be working in Easton, we'd probably still stay in Salisbury) but I don't want to say too much, because I don't want to jinx it.

I went out this past weekend, which is the first time in a while. I had a fantastic time, even if Seacrets is ridiculously expensive. I do miss going out! Something I hope to do more of this summer when it's a) warmer and b) we have more money.

ALso, It's May. Many of you know what that means without me having to say anything else. This year is 5 years since my mommy died. For some reason, 5 seems like a huge deal. Adam is going to his parents for Mother's Day, and I'm opting to stay home, because i'm just not ready to be a part of that with someone else.

And trying to end on a higher, completely unrelated note... I saw Spiderman 3. I liked it. I don't understand what all the hulabaloo about people not liking it is. Yes, there were some cheesy parts, but, hey, it's based on a comic that at times was pretty cheesy itself. I won't say more, for fear of spoiling... but I really enjoyed the film.

So here I am, my last day in New Orleans. It has been a really great trip! The weather has been beautiful, and its actually been very relaxing. I got here thursday evening, and Carlie had class so that gave me a chance to just kind of chill out, and recover from the travel, when she got back we didn't really do too much, either, just watch some t.v. and catch up a bit. She has TiVo which is something I've never experienced before (this coming from the person who just got cable for the first time in like 3 years.) Friday, I woke up early (a trend that has not been broken, still) and sat out on Carlie's balcony, in shorts, and just read. It was lovely! we made lunch together and her friend Jonathan came over. Lunch was good, if not a bit spicy. Carlie had a recipie from Giada, that was in cosmo! We used veggie sausages, and it was yummy. Friday night... oh dear. Went to Karoke. I sang. Sadly. Poorly. I used to be able to sing! I had no oomph behind my voice... oh well. I won a bottle of rum, that sadly will have to stay in New Orleans, because I can't carry it on. Oh well. (i won the rum from a game, not singing). Then we went to this diner that had MONDO omelettes (?) that were soaked in butery grease. mmm. and grits! Saturday we walked around the french quarter, which was very cool. We got benigets, which were YUMMY, and at one point I told Carlie that I felt like we were at a theme park. I'll post a picture later to show you why. We had our cards read. It was interesting, to say the least. After we got home we rented movies and ate leftovers, and I had some Ben and Jerrys. Sunday, Sunday... we went Audubon park. Lovely! I took some pictures, and we just generally were lazy in the sun. This awesome dog parade went by... it looked like a walk for something, but we're not sure what. Anyway, I got some pug pictures! Carlie thinks they are ugly, and I guess they are, but to me that is part of their appeal! Last night we got Cajun food... which was good, what I could eat. Only eating seafood put a damper on the amount of food I was able to eat. I got Cajun codfish - blackened. It was yummy. then we ordered bread pudding... something I didn't think I would like, and it was LOVELY. Esp. the sauce that goes on top. yum. So then we came home, very full, and watched the Holiday. Aw. I cried.

So today... I think Carlie has some stuff she needs to do for class and it will generally be a laying around not doing much, which will be nice because I have to go back to reality tomorrow.

Date:	2007-03-17 09:14
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	Avril... why is that stuck in my head?

To all the lovely people out there in the e-world, who are mutally stalked and don't actually talk, but keep tabs on eachother through random blogs and webpages, here is an update on my life:

Big surprise, after planning to move away from the eastern sho', I'm staying here. Whoa. I got offered a promotion at HealthSouth, and I took it. As of March 26th I will be the Home Health Care Coordinator. Sounds good, eh? Adam and I decided the career opportunity was worth sticking it out in the land of Nascar and Country music for a couple more years. We said two... who knows for sure.
So in the mean time, we're trying to re-direct our lives to stay in the area... which means Adam has had to totally change his job searching, and we will be moving some time this summer out of our semi-crappy apartment into something much more... not crappy. (so articulate, no?) Also! We are planning to make an addition to the family soon.... no, no, not a baby, a puppy!! Hopefully an adorable pug puppy who will sleep with us and snore in my ear. I'm currently on the look out for a good breeder, so we shall see.

Alright, folks, hope all is well with everyone, and maybe I'll actually speak to you sometime:)

I seriously suck at updating. Been very busy.... work and all. Adam is graduating in May! woopee. We may not be moving as planned... still not 100% sure on that... I may have a better offer here... once I know more, you'll know more. In any case... how is everyone? I know I say this a lot, but I royally suck at keeping in touch... and I do miss people. Am VERY excited to be going to New Orleans in TWO WEEKS to see my Carlie!:):) OKay... that's all. Much love to you people:)